Happy New Year!!!

It is the new year.... it is time to shirk off the old and embrace the new.... 2017 is going to be my hear! It sure as hell better be my year!

At least I won't be having a divorce this year... it's already looking up!

I feel very compelled to finish my story... but at the same time it feels like I will be dredging up the old horrible feelings that I wish to leave far.... FAR.... behind. I still have to tell my story. It is necessary for my sanity to complete the task... but I also want to start focusing on the present. So.... I'm going to kind of do a flashback thing here and there... and maybe everywhere lol. I'm not always on point.



After I got home from Utah, my then husband let me stay the night... He made my favorite meal of homemade spaghetti. I was so happy to see my family, but also so desperately upset. It might be interesting for you to know that we fucked when I got back from Utah. Yeah... he still digs boning his wife. He just doesn't want to live with her. "Can we still be fuck buddies?" hahahahaha..... I'm going to go hang my head in shame for a moment. Gawd... I loved that man. Anyways... So I lived with my mom and he would invite me over for booty calls and what not. I learned that he had someone over all the time. It was like they were dating but the hubs assured me that they were not. With my current knowledge....

I'm pretty sure they were an item. Officially... Lord knows when I came over and there were condoms everywhere and lube littered all about. But there were multiple guys... so whatever... ugh...

We talked, him and I. I begged him to tell me if I had no chance of being with him. He just kept telling me that he had no solid plans and assured me that he wanted us to work. He wanted us to be healthy. Which, I now know meant that he didn't think he should be married to a woman.... My bad. He should have told me... right then and there... but then he couldn't have repeatedly stabbed me with his emotional knives over and over and over.... What joy would I have in store... I can't even begin to tell you...

I started going to counseling. I wanted to "be healthy" enough for my husband. It's kind of where I found out I was being groomed to believe I was the crazy one... I had actually believed it was all my fault.

I was verbally assaulted on Mother's day after spending the day in tears. Why? He didn't have enough money. I had already made sure to get over 3,000 in the bank... but it still wasn't enough. He abandoned our bank account and left me with over 1,300 bucks in overdraft fees... Fun times...

He blamed me for abandoning him on more than one occasion... but then would tell me that I did nothing to deserve what he had put me through. Of course the accusations came when I was not being docile and going with the flow.

He'd be sweet and tell me things and I felt an honest connection. He related once that he felt that I would get hurt either way... no matter what he decided to do with me.

And then... there was his new fiance.... (cue appropriate music)