I will inform you of the divorce proceedings and of the events leading up to the divorce... But today I am going to share an angry and sad letter I wrote to him a few weeks ago. I'll change the name, but the text shall remain the same.
I was feeling pretty amazing... about finally being divorced and finally over the hard shit. Well, I was wrong.... Here comes the stabby stabby emotional heart knife to fuck up my day.
I found out that Mr. Sunshine (former hubs) had been cheating on me... like the majority of our marriage. Yeah.... I already knew that he had cheated on me with someone about 2 - 3 years ago... but then I figure out... no it has been way longer. WAAAYYYY longer.... Sooo.... I'm just gonna put this here....
Of course there was the initial text confrontation. To which he acted like he was so over my drama... (eyeroll)....
Dear (insert name here),
I trusted you. With everything I had. I told you everything. My heart and soul were bare before you. I shared my deepest self. My core self. My energy. I let you feel me. The real me. And all I got was a shell of a human that I only believed was mine. I know I was connected to you in a way that cannot be explained. I do not understand how I could have been so blind. All those years of me falling asleep, crying, scared to death that you were going to cheat on me and leave me were actually just my intuition giving me the heads up. I always convinced myself that it was just my anxiety and fear of abandonment. And you touting “when would I have time to cheat on you.” And I thought you were screwing Elizabeth… nope just the grindr boys.
I felt sorry for you. Sorry that you had to live your life as a straight man. Denying yourself your true nature…. holding onto me for dear life. What a load of shit. You had to lie the whole time about your sexual experience…. even in the mental hospital you told the therapist in front of me that you had never had a sexual experience with a man. You lied about grindr. You lied about everything. You knew what position you liked. You knew how to fuck pretty well. And then you came home to me and exposed me to gawd knows what… There were things that went on downstairs that i would have seen a professional about had I known you were fucking other people. You let me unknowingly stick your dick in my mouth when it had been used to fuck assholes. Did you even care about that?
I can’t believe i let you convince me that you felt abandoned for awhile. I can’t believe that you tried to convince me that I was responsible for my own abandonment. I can’t believe you accused me of tossing you aside when I was done with you. You were the one doing the tossing. Maybe you didn’t want to move away from all your male love interests. Maybe you just didn’t want to leave your mommy. Idk… but the stories you have weaved are lies. Do you really believe them? All these things you have accused me of were things that you ended up doing to me. Screams of gas lighting… while you were rewriting history. Your finger in my face on mother’s day telling me to shut the fuck up…. asking me why I came back… Really? I think you were mad I came home because then your contrived story didn’t quite look so accurate. You made me out to be the monster, when it was you all along. That monster inside of you. You couldn’t handle it so you put it on me… and I took it for you. You need to look inside yourself and figure out what you need. You are leaving a trail of destruction. It won’t stop until you look at yourself long and hard in the mirror and figure out what you need. Really need. Instead of wearing the mask and pursuing what looks good to the world. Maybe you are already on that path. IDK….
I know you cheated on me. For a long time. Longer than I could have even dreamed. All I want from you is the truth. From your lips to my ears. You know what you did. It is time to own it. You owe me that… if nothing else. I deserve an explanation as to why you did what you did… to your family. If you ever loved me, you’ll give me that. I need to know everything so I can stop being surprised. So I can heal without having my emotions completely assaulted when I least expect it… I’m going on a year almost of this shit fest. But here you are… still acting like the fucking victim because your wife hired a lawyer so she could just get what was fair from you. I’m glad you think you’re so cute posting that messed up bs on Facebook about losing 250lbs of dead weight. That just made you look like an asshole. And when you say shit of fb like you never knew love until Ethan… Posting engagement ring pics the day after our 11th year anniversary… that only confirms my suspicion that you never really loved me. I loved the fuck out of you, I would have died for your ass…. IDK if I can trust anything that we ever had anymore. Maybe it is for the best. The sad part is… I still love the fuck out of you…. but I loathe you too.
I am truly thankful for your sperm donation, though. Korbin is worth the suffering. I just hate that he has to experience this shit fest too.
You do not make someone believe that they are your one and only… and treat them the way you treated me…. You just don’t!
Most of all, I am mad at myself. Mad that I didn’t see through your lies. Mad that I trusted you. Angry as hell at being betrayed and violated on an emotional level. This is so much worse than when I was raped…. I feel so much more violated than I ever felt with Carl. There is a piece of me that is broken… and I do not know if I will ever be able to fix it.
I have so much to say, but I do not know if any of this even matters to you… which is a sad thing to have to question.
-Starsha Brown (I kept my name for Korbin. He asked me too, btw)
P.S.
I wrote this on July 27th…. I have since come to realize that I had to write you a whole new letter. Because of all the shit that has gone down since then…. I have included it because you need to see it.
Dear (insert name here),
Here we are, at this place I never dreamed we’d be. The world still feels very unreal to me. I never would have believed that you and I would have ended up this way. Alas, it is true and I must accept it. And it is time for me to do just that.
You have moved on. Completely and utterly. You have replaced me, quite expediently. Especially for someone who claimed that they wanted to be alone, learn how to depend on themselves, and to “be healthy” enough to be in a relationship. But here you are, in a committed relationship. Living with him, taking pictures of your rings and posing like you are going to go pick out your new drapes, and rarely being alone. I’ve tried to give you the benefit of the doubt about that Facebook relationship status starting on June 1st, when I have the evidence right in my face. But, when I see confessions about being a wounded animal and how you never knew love until now. That was the most painful thing to me. It was disrespectful and insensitive to insinuate that what we had was not really love. Not only have I loved you unconditionally, I will never be able to unlove you. I still receive admonishments from family, friends, and my counselor for defending you and considering your feelings over mine.
You gave me hope that you were going to get back with me. That you did love me and that you did want to be with me. Hearing that you never really intended on getting back with me and that you just said that because you didn’t think I could handle it…. infuriates me. Especially after I begged you to tell me if that was true when you first said I was not allowed to come home.
I wish you would have just left me on my birthday. Just said, I’m gay, I love you, but I have to be gay. I broke my rules for you. I tried to make myself into someone I was not. The pain you put me through so you could experiment and be gay. I gladly did it for you. It hurt like hell, but I did. When we opened up the relationship, you jumped into it with a great zeal. Over 20 guys in such a short time… I tried to do it too, but all I found was emptiness. I did a lot of pretending. I did learn some new things about myself. I did realize that all I wanted was you during the experience. I regret putting myself through that period of my life. I did it because I thought it was the only way I could keep you, and I lost you anyway.
I’ve heard some of the things that have been said about me, and I must say that I am quite disappointed at the implications. I’m not sure if the rumors have become distorted as they travel or if they began that way. I do understand that lies have been told about me. And I know you need to believe certain things in order to justify your most recent actions.
Regarding your “perceptions” of abandonment when I went to Utah. You were really the one doing the abandoning. I don’t know if you have lied to yourself so much about it that you actually believe it, but you and I both know that I would not have left if I felt like you would not come with me. I was up in Utah finding a job, I got our son in a Charter school through a lottery system, I was networking in the gay community so that you would have friends, and I networked with reiki masters so you could pursue that as your career. I was making a way for my family. You are the one who abandoned me. And apparently, if my sources are true, planning on using it against me to make me out to look like a bad mother.
I am not going to do that anymore. I do love myself, and who I am. I will not be ashamed for the depth in which I feel things. I will not apologize for wanting to bring cheer into the lives of others. I will not let anyone try to convince me that my emotions are wrong or manipulative. I am not here to take abuse when someone else has a bad day. I am an awesome and amazing person, flawed, but with a beautiful heart. I have not deserved the way you have treated me. I will not allow myself to be treated like that anymore.
You once told me that your greatest fears were losing me, and hurting me. Congratulations.
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