The Helper

I feel as though my body has become a haunted house filled with the specters of those honored traumas whispered to me in private places.

Concerned exchanges. Willing arms outstretched to lift the burdens from those who cannot function from the weight.

Stories, like gravestones, littered within a mind engaged in countered measures to protect, in vain, the hallowed ground of wartime. 

Battles waged by childless mothers, innocents slain of their naivety, individuals whose assassinations were committed by antiquated norms of tradition, Lonely lovers, and a multitude of the marred left scarred by tragedy. 

The blood of tears that flow like rivers, salty far before they hit the seas, coarse through tenuous veins beneath the decorated smile upon my face.

Complaints tucked away behind a yielding tongue. Savored bitter language waiting to be born. Nowhere else to store the battle cries of the fallen. Regrets with no place to rest their weary heads. No peace to dream of better days. Instead they stalk within the hidden corridors of my musculature awaiting exorcism. 

-Starsha Brown

Here but gone

Alone. In a crowd alone.
Searching awkwardly in pockets
A lighter to stoke a flame.
Empty. Everything but what I need empty.
The beat. beat. beat. of my heart in my ears...
Making time...
Every beat intensified as knowledge of the passing of time becomes more and more apparent.
How can time be so rapid, yet stand so still.
Alone. In this crowded place.
No anchor here to hold me down...
Nothing keeping my mind in one place.
I have traversed across universes in times such as these.
I have seen destinations that could never be reached with my physical body.
Escapes.
I leave to escape the loneliness here.
You can still see me... but I am desperate to fly free...
The beat. beat. beat. of my heart constantly reminding me that I hold space in this physical realm.
It is hard to ignore.
Blood whooshing through my ears at volumes comparable to the currents in the sea.
Whispering life and reality back into my consciousness.
My body keeps me here. But I am not always here.
When I am with these people I feel alone.
When I leave I feel free.
When I am alone, I feel more myself than I could ever hope to be.

Anxiety

Anxiety

 By Starsha Brown

Whispered, murmured, stuttered words like a blustering sea with wind tossed waves.

The explanation lost to the nature of the storm in my head.

Communication stands still as my mind tosses to and fro in the seasickness of a sinking ship's demise.

Sirens sounding drowning out the stillness of outward realities while inside the sucking, jerking, swirling, spins me beyond the reach of comprehensive explanations.

My heart, like thunder raging through the sky, races ceaselessly.

My stomach heaves as it attempts to ride the perilous stampeding waves.

Catapulting towards chaotic darkness my panic thickens until I choke upon the fear.

Oceans spilling forth from my eyes like eternal rain.

Consumed by the surge of the chemical kraken unleashed within my veins.

Fighting, flighting, running, hiding...

No compass here to escape the gale that I have been lost in time and time again.

Time, nonexistent, fast forwards, rewinds, past, future, present, future...
Present....

Just Breathe...
                        Just Breathe....
                                                  Just Breathe....

Red Air

I've been breathing the proverbial red air today. It's what my root chakra demands. I have been dealing with anxiety quite a bit of late. It is a struggle that I feel I will always have to battle. I have a romantic partner in my life now and it always strokes my paranoia. It causes me to want to grasp and clench my fists so as not to lose it. This life seems to be teaching me the value of life, the pain of loss, and the difference between attachment and love.

The harder you try to hold onto something the faster it seems to dissipate. Life is cyclical and things come and go. I must remember to be thankful for the times that things come into my life. And if the good comes to stay a long time then I am to rejoice. I feel like I tend to ruin the good times by worrying about what the bad times will bring. Worrying about how bad losing the good will hurt me. Pain and hurt are necessary in this life. They teach us. They strengthen us.... but for fuck's sake I'd like to just be happy for a long time. A long ass time.

As with any relationship there are times when communication is the vital difference between yes and no. I truly feel that I have a relationship in which communication is at a very healthy level. Emotions and misunderstandings happen... but the communication gets you through. The love and the understanding act as lubricant for the words to be exchanged.

But I still have this fear. This fear that I am not enough. This fear of abandonment. This fear of not being safe. I have this crippling anxiety that I fight day in and out. Sometimes it lies dormant and it isn't such a struggle. But when I have something to lose. A wrong choice could make the difference between hell yeah and fuck you. I must strive to connect with myself and the earth. I must yearn towards that feeling of safety that the universe has given me access to.

So I sit in a quiet place and breath the red air into my root chakra. I imagine myself growing roots into the earth. I feel the energy of the earth, the energy that flows through all things, pull me in and nourish my soul. I sit and breath the red air into my body and allow it to travel down my spine and energize my roots and clear out the things that are blocking them. I connect to the earth. The red air leaves through the bottoms of my feet.

Grounding. Rooting. Existing. Protecting. Freeing. Safety.

Moving on

I'm back but I'm not making any promises. I'm flaky af... I know... I KNOW!!!! Anyways. I've been using this Galaxy Tarot app on my android phone. It's pretty cool. It gives me a special message everyday as well as many different spreads to utilize. 

Card of the Day

The need arises for one to take a look deep into oneself. Today, the tarot has called me to look deeply into myself. 

Ten Of Swords

The Ten of Swords has quite a jolting visual going on. Personally, swords are my least favorite tarot cards. Some can be positive but I'm just not a big fan... especially with all the blood and stabby stabbiness going on.. Not really wanting this card to be representing any day I could possibly have. I mean, don't get me wrong... I've had days like this. Proverbial long swords thrust through my back. Not fun. So... why this? Why today. Let's investigate

The galaxy tarot app had the following to say:

Today's Message

"It is time to admit that something is over. It's time to let it go. Stop thinking about it. There is no need to get the last word. Let it go and move on. If you don't you will only be dragging out your own suffering. Something new is awaiting you! Create space and let it in!"

Now, I believe this is something that is stemming from my current living situation. I live with my mom and step-dad. I've lived here for over 2.5 years. Ever since the destruction of my family life, the gay husband, and the divorce. I've been here. I am kind of scared of being out of my own. Recently, I have been kind of in an upheaval of sorts.... Emotionally speaking. I haven't exactly been taking care of my finances like I should be... Don't judge me! It's never been my strong point. I have neglected several months worth of monetary installments to my mom that go to repayment of the money I had to get divorced with. It also goes towards electricity. I've really got to get my shit together, regarding money. I'm totally at fault and a piece of shit for neglecting my financial obligations to my mom. I need to do something about that.

Well, we've also had some disagreements about certain religious/spiritual affairs. We don't exactly see eye to eye. I'm not exactly forthcoming with the exact nature of my beliefs. But my mom knows that they do not align with hers. I feel bad for putting her through such distress, because she worries for the safety of my eternal soul. I just do not see it in that light. We will eventually go into more detail about all of that.... but for now we will save the tawdry details for another day. *wink wink* Suffice it to say that nature is my temple and I feel connected to the earth in ways that you may not understand (or you know exactly what I'm talking about.)

Anyways... I need to move. For my sanity, and my parents. They worry. I get it. But being almost 39 years old and being expected to report to my mother about my precise whereabouts and times of arrival seems a bit like I'm in high school. So, it is time to move... The universe has basically been screaming this to me for over a year now, though various avenues... including the tarot. The Death Card stalks me so.... Yeahhhh....

 

What's love got to do with it.

Love is a thing that lives in us. It flows through us and throughout the universe. Love is the creator of all things and yet seems to be so elusive. Love is what connects us and binds us to everything alive. Yet, at times, it is a thing I fear. A thing that seems foreign to me at times. A strange separation that calls up within me both a longing and a need to flee. I feel as if I love all things, all people... but then I do not trust that the love shall be returned.

Should I expect it to? Should love be an expectation I give to the world in return for my own sentimental regard? I don't believe it to be. I yearn to be free from the idea that love must be a reciprocation. Let my love flow outwardly to all without an ill thought as to the origin of the love I wish to receive.

Let the love I feel come from me. Let me love me. So that the deep desperation within is fulfilled and I do not have to seek fervently to quench my thirst with another. I am enough. I certainly am, though perhaps I have yet to fully accept this perception into the realms of my reality.


Quite simply put, I am afraid to be loved. I don't trust it anymore. I want to... but in the meantime I will do my best to love. Maybe someday, I'll trust in love again. Until then, I'll do my best to live and and appreciate what comes into my life.... Just as I celebrate the exposure of the lies... for they set me free.

I'm baaaccckkk.... maybe?

Wow, I've been gone for some time... I hope you understand that I have been a preoccupied with my present situation. The healing has begun and some interesting twists and turns have happened along the way. Of course that means I have done a great deal of neglecting my blog. Here's to attempting to get back on the blog wagon.