Sincerely

I love my husband... soon to be ex-husband. I really do. I always will. I cannot unlove him. I do not know whether to classify this as tragically romantic or tragically stupid. Either way, it is as true as true can be....

We were going to renew our vows this year on our anniversary... or as close to it as possible. And we were going to do it at a gay pride festival. This is what I wrote with full intentions of using it as my wedding vow.

"To my husband: I love you. I love you from a place so deep, I cannot even explain it. I love you. I love all of you. I love your insides and your outsides. I love your flaws and your imperfections. I love your soul. I love your smile. I love your nerdiness. I love your gayness. You are my best friend, my lover, my husband, my soul-mate. I promise that I will never leave your side. I promise to have hot kinky sex with you until the day I die. I will always be there to wipe away your tears. I will be there to chase away the doubts and fears that linger in the darkness. I promise to always let you be you. Who you are is precious. You deserve to be exactly who you are. Never let anyone make you feel ashamed. I promise to help you put the pieces together. I promise that I will be there through all the pain. I promise I will share all the happy times. I know, in my heart of hearts, that we have something special. We have something that no one else has. It transcends everything we’ve ever been taught about love. Forgive me when I try to hide myself from you. I try to keep all my pain for myself. I’m greedy like that. You have my eternity. No matter where life and time may take us, I’m yours. I will follow you from this life into the other. If I go first, I will wait for you. Whatever you need, just ask and I will do my best to see it happens.  I look forward to our adventures of life. My love for you is infinite. Let’s do this mother fucker!!!!"

I was ready... I was ready to do what I thought was going to be the hardest thing I'd ever do. Little did I realize that it was only the beginning of how hard shit would be. You know... when you do something just so you can have something you want? *Spoiler Alert* Sometimes you give everything and you end up with exactly what you feared the most.

"We often meet our fate on the road we take to avoid it" - Master Oogway (Psst: Kung Fu Panda, Y'all!)

So we have the discussions about how this whole open relationship thing will work. We open it up to women for me and men for him. Seeing as I am bisexual/pansexual (Surprise Folks!), even though I've yet to actually have sex with a woman. I could have lived my whole life perfectly satisfied with my man. Later on, the arrangement would be opened up so that I could be with men or women. Stay tuned! Anyways... we have to find a medium in which to explore this newfound relationship framework. This is where the discovery of Grindr comes into play.

I can't be the only one.

Of all the things I longed to do during the time of darkness, I longed to take the darkness away. I yearned to make it my own. I had battled that battle before. I had survived. I was willing to take up my sword and be the champion on my husband's behalf. I would be the heroic princess and he could be the prince in distress. I didn't mind that a bit. I was desperate to take on the proverbial dragon and drive it from our homeland. But alas, I could not. He would not release it to me. I watched helpless as the darkness grew darker and the day of his soul turned to night until he could no longer stand up beneath the burden of it.

"When you hurt I hurt. My love aches to make you whole. I know that I cannot hope to complete you. You have to put those pieces together yourself. I yearn to do it for you. Your grief and anxiety course through my veins. I feel it like ghostly fingers tracing along my vascular pathways. Tormenting spirits writhing within my blood.  Helpless to soothe their ghastly pleas, I sit amongst the plight of fear. You’ve come so far, though you’ve got so far to go. You are weary and weather worn from your struggles. Breathe. Breathe deep. Feel the air deep in your living soul. Fight for the freedom your heart deserves. Fight my love and know I am here. Feel me. Feel my love. Pick up those pieces. Do not fear the thing that will make you whole and lend you wings. You must jump and fly. The fall is fierce but the wind will fill your newfound ability for flight. Glorious flight into the endless blue. I’ll be here, right here and I’ll cheer you on towards victory." 

He reached out and found his salvational rescue. A retreat of sorts to help restore his weary mind. The darkness wasn't so dark. But he was still weak from the his battle scars. 

We spoke of our lives and of our time together. He said he did not know how we would make it, but we would find a way. He was speaking of his desire to be with men. I knew it. I could feel the ache in my heart overwhelm me. My mind raced at the prospect of losing him. I weighed my options. I could tell him I loved him, but I could not share him. I could make him choose. An expansive void filled my stomach as I imagined not being the route he chose. In my mind, the world fell in around me. I could also choose to have an open relationship. Of course that would mean I would also be free to explore also. I didn't want anyone else, dammit. I had the life I fucking wanted. Now, I faced one of the most challenging decisions I had ever faced in my life. Some of you may feel like the answer to this question is cut and dry. I couldn't lose him. I could not imagine a future where I would have to be without him. Hastily, I spouted, "You can sleep with guys!" I went on to explain that I knew he needed it to feel whole. I offered all of my support. Deep down I knew this would destroy a part of me. I painted on my smile. The show must go on. Oh gawd.... it hurts. 


Afterthought

I'm kind of like a widow, but not really. I mean... he's still alive and walking around free to bang all the dudes his heart desires. When I think of the fact that I could have been a widow. I'm glad that he's alive.... you know.... to bang all those dudes... Even though... yeah... I'm going to shut up now.

The Darkness

The darkness is something that some of you may be acquainted with. It creeps in slowly sometimes. Other times, it bursts in... taking you by surprise. Some darkness is darker than others. The darkest darkness had descended upon our house. I began catching glimpses of it here and there. Random thoughts and actions became apparent. Before I continue, I need to explain a few things.

I'm an empath. I know, I know... Don't roll your eyes! You're probably thinking about those cliche bullshit posts you see all the time on Facebook. Well, it is really a thing. When other people are having emotions, especially strong ones, I can feel that shit in my soul. I've dealt with my own depression. I've also experienced the depression of my loved ones. I can feel it as if it were my own. Sometimes it takes me awhile to sort out what I am feeling and what someone else is feeling. I can take people's pain and negative emotion away and trade it for my own. In my mind, I feel like I should suffer over others. I feel like I can tolerate it better than those I feel it emitting from. I take it, process it, and set it free with my tears. Especially chaotic emotions can drive me to lying in the tub in the fetal position with the shower going. I enter a catharsis and begin the daunting task of healing the pain. It can be quite exhausting. An individual can also choose not to release their pain to you. If you don't believe me, I get it. I would have a hard time believing something like this if I had not experienced it myself.

My husband is a believer. He believes because of the random texts asking him what was wrong at the precise moment he was having a bad day. He believes because I would ask him if he felt trapped, before he officially outed himself to me. He admitted that he believed. He told me I was  hot on his trail. I could feel when he began to cut me off. I could feel him cutting me off so I would pry harder, exacerbating his panic that I would soon discover his secrets. I look back on some of my writing and understand more than I had during the time. I realize that my feelings were more intuitive than anxiety based.

(Journal Entries Fall 2015: "Clingy," "sexually aggressive," "reading over my shoulder," "asking if I took my medicine," "smothering," "It has nothing to do with you." These are the words you spoke to me when I came to you for closeness and affection. Are these attempts to negate feelings of perceived abandonment? IDK, but I feel horrible. I come home in desperate need of an embrace, only to be met with someone who wishes the widen the gap between us. Communication is not wanted because I will be emotional. My tears are not welcome. I am not welcome. I feel unwelcome. I feel as though a space I once inhabited unrestrained and utterly me no longer exists. There is no room for me. No place for me to seek shelter. So depressed and trying to put on a happy face and be strong. I gave of myself when you were in need. You wept in my loving arms. No such luxury shall be afforded me. I'm not quite sure what's wrong. I'm just sad in general. In a melancholy way. I can pretend to be happy well enough and sometimes I genuinely am... There is just a persisting sorrow lingering just beneath my skin... coursing through my muscles. I'm concerned that I don't know myself... or that I am playing some character who is masking the real me. Who am I? Am I an imposter? How would I even find out?)

When I speak of the darkness, I am not speaking of a literal darkness. I am speaking of a metaphysical emotional darkness. The darkness of which begs you for your life once it has you in its icy grasp. This darkness whispers in your ear and tells you things that draws you closer to the center of it's pitch black core. I am no stranger to this darkness. When I was younger, this darkness called itself my friend. That is how I recognized its insidious arrival. But it wasn't here for me. It was here for him.

Your Incomplete (A Poem)

You are my everything
I am your incomplete
There was nothing I could do
No way I could compete

I am yours completely
I know I'm not enough
I will love you with my dying breath
Though breathing can be tough

I'll stitch up my broken heart
And I'll stitch up your heart up too
I do not care how much it hurts
I want to be with you

Gall Bladder Diversions

So, I'm home from the awesomeness that was my birthday (we all know what happened then, am I right?!)... And I'm paying for my dietary indiscretions. My gall bladder has had enough. Now, this isn't the first time I've had to deal with her stubborn ass. This is not my first rodeo. I've tolerated her shenanigans for years. She seems to feel better with some pickle juice and lemons... But she's never satisfied for long.

I go get my scan done and go home and wait for the results. I'm sickly and feeling rather drained. At this point I'm not sure if the problem is singularly my gall bladder or if the emotional upheaval that is now my life has a lot to do with my depleted physical condition. Either way, drowning in a sea of blankets is how I shall celebrate along with the frequent offerings I give to the toilet gods. I eventually get my scan results and I need my gallbladder out. Yay! Is it bad that this excites me? Not only does the little bitch deserve her demise, I also get extra time to process current events.  When I'm not so sick that I can't even hold water down.

I go to the ER, and they give me pills for nausea and pain. Well at least now I can manage to hold down gatorade and crackers. I see my surgeon, get more scans, and finally gall bladder gets her final eviction notice. Of course the whole process has taken a couple of weeks and I've lost a significant amount of weight. It's okay though guys, I wasn't in any danger! I have plenty of stores to draw from.

Pre-Surgery Selfie: Still hot af! haha

I spent a lot of this time of my life worried about my husband. Worried about how he was feeling and what he needed most. I felt guilty for being sick and needing so much attention. We talked and talked and talked. I cried, he told me over and over that he wasn't leaving and that he would never abandon me. I assured him that I would always be there. I would be his #1 cheerleader. Though, I still had daydreams about being that classy trailer park slut with her bunny slippers. I could never get rid of that nagging feeling in the back of my mind that I was going to end up away from the man I loved most. I could feel the end drawing near. I wrote all of this off as my fear and anxiety running away with my mind. There was no way that he would ever leave me. But I worried about it. I mulled over it. I had no idea what to do. I cried. I cried a lot. I'm emotional as fuck, people! It's who I am.

While I was recovering from my surgery, a darkness set itself upon our household. One in which I could feel and was helpless to defeat. All parties must be willing to cast aside the darkness. Unfortunately, I can only set my own personal intentions. The darkness came and the life and death battle would begin. 

My thoughts as of February 1, 2016

It is hard to be here. It is hard to know that your husband is gay. I know that he loves me and I know he doesn’t want to leave me. He says he thinks I am sexy and he likes by body and wants to have sex with me. But he says there is something missing. Something that I cannot even begin to fulfill for him. It hurts. It hurts on a very deep level. Here is the man I love with everything I am. The man who completes me. But I don’t complete him. And I can’t. I never will be able to. I feel the hurt down deep like a desperation that will never be satisfied. It isn’t fair. Not even a little bit. I don’t fault him for being gay. I know that is who he is. And this grief I feel is like mourning. I think that I must be mourning the part of the relationship that can no longer be. The part where we complete each other and give each other everything we ever needed. And there is nothing I can do to change it.  Nothing. Nada. Zero. Zilch. I feel helpless. So utterly helpless.

My heart is partially broken. I think it always will be. Whatever the future holds, I am helpless to it. He must make the decisions that are best for him. I must be the liquid that bends and wraps around that reality.  

What is best for me is what is best for him. I will ultimately do whatever I can to keep him happy. I cannot lose my person, this one thing is clear to me. I cannot lose the other half of my soul. It can’t happen. It would kill me on the inside.

I love him. I will always love him. That’s all. I hope that he can find the happiness that he needs. I sincerely do. It will always be my burden to bear… He is my everything and I am his incomplete.