Gall Bladder Diversions

So, I'm home from the awesomeness that was my birthday (we all know what happened then, am I right?!)... And I'm paying for my dietary indiscretions. My gall bladder has had enough. Now, this isn't the first time I've had to deal with her stubborn ass. This is not my first rodeo. I've tolerated her shenanigans for years. She seems to feel better with some pickle juice and lemons... But she's never satisfied for long.

I go get my scan done and go home and wait for the results. I'm sickly and feeling rather drained. At this point I'm not sure if the problem is singularly my gall bladder or if the emotional upheaval that is now my life has a lot to do with my depleted physical condition. Either way, drowning in a sea of blankets is how I shall celebrate along with the frequent offerings I give to the toilet gods. I eventually get my scan results and I need my gallbladder out. Yay! Is it bad that this excites me? Not only does the little bitch deserve her demise, I also get extra time to process current events.  When I'm not so sick that I can't even hold water down.

I go to the ER, and they give me pills for nausea and pain. Well at least now I can manage to hold down gatorade and crackers. I see my surgeon, get more scans, and finally gall bladder gets her final eviction notice. Of course the whole process has taken a couple of weeks and I've lost a significant amount of weight. It's okay though guys, I wasn't in any danger! I have plenty of stores to draw from.

Pre-Surgery Selfie: Still hot af! haha

I spent a lot of this time of my life worried about my husband. Worried about how he was feeling and what he needed most. I felt guilty for being sick and needing so much attention. We talked and talked and talked. I cried, he told me over and over that he wasn't leaving and that he would never abandon me. I assured him that I would always be there. I would be his #1 cheerleader. Though, I still had daydreams about being that classy trailer park slut with her bunny slippers. I could never get rid of that nagging feeling in the back of my mind that I was going to end up away from the man I loved most. I could feel the end drawing near. I wrote all of this off as my fear and anxiety running away with my mind. There was no way that he would ever leave me. But I worried about it. I mulled over it. I had no idea what to do. I cried. I cried a lot. I'm emotional as fuck, people! It's who I am.

While I was recovering from my surgery, a darkness set itself upon our household. One in which I could feel and was helpless to defeat. All parties must be willing to cast aside the darkness. Unfortunately, I can only set my own personal intentions. The darkness came and the life and death battle would begin. 

My thoughts as of February 1, 2016

It is hard to be here. It is hard to know that your husband is gay. I know that he loves me and I know he doesn’t want to leave me. He says he thinks I am sexy and he likes by body and wants to have sex with me. But he says there is something missing. Something that I cannot even begin to fulfill for him. It hurts. It hurts on a very deep level. Here is the man I love with everything I am. The man who completes me. But I don’t complete him. And I can’t. I never will be able to. I feel the hurt down deep like a desperation that will never be satisfied. It isn’t fair. Not even a little bit. I don’t fault him for being gay. I know that is who he is. And this grief I feel is like mourning. I think that I must be mourning the part of the relationship that can no longer be. The part where we complete each other and give each other everything we ever needed. And there is nothing I can do to change it.  Nothing. Nada. Zero. Zilch. I feel helpless. So utterly helpless.

My heart is partially broken. I think it always will be. Whatever the future holds, I am helpless to it. He must make the decisions that are best for him. I must be the liquid that bends and wraps around that reality.  

What is best for me is what is best for him. I will ultimately do whatever I can to keep him happy. I cannot lose my person, this one thing is clear to me. I cannot lose the other half of my soul. It can’t happen. It would kill me on the inside.

I love him. I will always love him. That’s all. I hope that he can find the happiness that he needs. I sincerely do. It will always be my burden to bear… He is my everything and I am his incomplete.