I can't be the only one.

Of all the things I longed to do during the time of darkness, I longed to take the darkness away. I yearned to make it my own. I had battled that battle before. I had survived. I was willing to take up my sword and be the champion on my husband's behalf. I would be the heroic princess and he could be the prince in distress. I didn't mind that a bit. I was desperate to take on the proverbial dragon and drive it from our homeland. But alas, I could not. He would not release it to me. I watched helpless as the darkness grew darker and the day of his soul turned to night until he could no longer stand up beneath the burden of it.

"When you hurt I hurt. My love aches to make you whole. I know that I cannot hope to complete you. You have to put those pieces together yourself. I yearn to do it for you. Your grief and anxiety course through my veins. I feel it like ghostly fingers tracing along my vascular pathways. Tormenting spirits writhing within my blood.  Helpless to soothe their ghastly pleas, I sit amongst the plight of fear. You’ve come so far, though you’ve got so far to go. You are weary and weather worn from your struggles. Breathe. Breathe deep. Feel the air deep in your living soul. Fight for the freedom your heart deserves. Fight my love and know I am here. Feel me. Feel my love. Pick up those pieces. Do not fear the thing that will make you whole and lend you wings. You must jump and fly. The fall is fierce but the wind will fill your newfound ability for flight. Glorious flight into the endless blue. I’ll be here, right here and I’ll cheer you on towards victory." 

He reached out and found his salvational rescue. A retreat of sorts to help restore his weary mind. The darkness wasn't so dark. But he was still weak from the his battle scars. 

We spoke of our lives and of our time together. He said he did not know how we would make it, but we would find a way. He was speaking of his desire to be with men. I knew it. I could feel the ache in my heart overwhelm me. My mind raced at the prospect of losing him. I weighed my options. I could tell him I loved him, but I could not share him. I could make him choose. An expansive void filled my stomach as I imagined not being the route he chose. In my mind, the world fell in around me. I could also choose to have an open relationship. Of course that would mean I would also be free to explore also. I didn't want anyone else, dammit. I had the life I fucking wanted. Now, I faced one of the most challenging decisions I had ever faced in my life. Some of you may feel like the answer to this question is cut and dry. I couldn't lose him. I could not imagine a future where I would have to be without him. Hastily, I spouted, "You can sleep with guys!" I went on to explain that I knew he needed it to feel whole. I offered all of my support. Deep down I knew this would destroy a part of me. I painted on my smile. The show must go on. Oh gawd.... it hurts. 


Afterthought

I'm kind of like a widow, but not really. I mean... he's still alive and walking around free to bang all the dudes his heart desires. When I think of the fact that I could have been a widow. I'm glad that he's alive.... you know.... to bang all those dudes... Even though... yeah... I'm going to shut up now.