I found someone (a guy) to engage in the open relationship agreement with and got the hubs approval before proceeding. The hubs said he finally understood how I felt. He said he must feel about me sleeping with guys the way I felt about him sleeping with guys. He also said it kind of turned him on and he wanted to watch a guy fuck me. So it felt like we might have a plan.
I spent every night in bed crying. Hoping and wishing for my husband to miss me.
During the time my husband told me that he would be coming up to be with me on June 1st. He said that he just wanted to go to his mom's 50th birthday party and get Korbin finished with the school year. That weekend he spent with his family at his sisters up in the metroplex. I told him that I wanted to video chat with everyone. When the call was placed at first I had a cold reception and everyone scattered the moment they saw my face. The mother-in-law was especially chilly. I questioned the hubs on what had happened and he continually made excuses and would not let me talk to his family. After this weekend my hubs said that he didn't know if he wanted to come or not. I was worried. I'm sure it had nothing to do with him spending time with his family and mother (cue sarcasm font and eye roll please). His responses to some of my texts became sketchy and well worded... his silence after certain things I said on the phone were becoming more and more unnerving. I dismissed it as my anxiety and fear of abandonment.
Not long after this happened I had a positive phone interview and was invited to a second interview. The company was one that if you got a second interview, you were pretty much golden for the job. I was super stoked. Finally!!
I also had a weird experience. One of the reiki master's I had been talking to met me in the park. He told me all manners of things about myself that he would have no way of knowing. He also said that the next 3 months of my life were going to be a living hell. Excuse me? A living hell? He added that I would survive, be stronger than ever, and would be better able to help others.
I was in shock. I asked him what he meant and Reiki Master told me that I already knew what was going to happen but I didn't know how to wrap my head around it. He talked about my intuition and said I needed to learn how to trust myself. Immediately I knew what he was implying. He was saying that my husband was leaving me. My stomach turned. I immediately told myself that he didn't know what he was talking about. I went home and spoke with my husband on the phone and he assured me that he loved me and missed me. See, I told myself, he isn't leaving me. My gut still didn't feel right. I was still uneasy...
Not many days after this, I felt like I needed to come home. My husband said he loved me and missed me and wanted to see me. His responses were funny and he acted weird when I asked if I could come home. I had to see him and make sure that Reiki Guy was wrong....
The next day, my husband called early in the day. His call worried me as soon as I saw his name on my screen. My stomach churned as I answered. He made small talk and asked when I would be coming home. I told him that I would be leaving in the next day or two.
And then he said it....
When you come back you need to go stay with your mom.
Excuse me?
You cannot come back to the house to live.
Crushed... that's how my heart felt. And I was in disbelief. The tears automatically came. I was in public. And I was crying and blubbering on the telephone.
The hubs then began to tell me that I had left my home and abandoned him.
I reminded him that I did not abandon him and he promised me he would not feel that way.
He said he knew that but he's had a lot of time to think and he now felt like I ran away and abandoned him.
He also said things like I deserve better than he could give me. He said I was a force to be reckoned with. And a whole bunch of other things that would insinuate that he was in fact, breaking up with me.
He told me that he had made the decision a week ago and had already informed his parents.
I noted how unfair it was that he just made that decision and didn't care to tell me about it. I also noted how weird his explanations were. He also went back and forth between blaming me for it and then telling me how awesome I was and I had nothing to do with it. I asked him if we were getting a divorce. He said he didn't even want to go there. I was so confused. He said we were unhealthy for each other and he just wanted to be healthy.
Utter devastation. How could this happen? Why was he blaming me? He knew he could have told me to come home at any time.... He knew that.
I packed up my things and got ready to come home. Tearfully... I had to go home and save my marriage.
On my way home, I met someone that I refer to as Master.... I'll tell you all about him someday. He deserves his own blog post! hahaha!
I also had to not die.... my worst fear was coming true and my fear of abandonment was surging out of control. I would be lying if I didn't feel like death may be better. I rationalized that if I were gone, then the hubs could go and be gay without worrying about me. I could make it okay in my brain that everyone would be okay without me.... except for one... my son. My son is the only reason that I made it through the darkest time in my life.
I was hopeful... but deep down I knew it was over. I just hadn't accepted it yet.
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