"If you’re reading this letter, it is because I have decided to include you in a very personal journey in my life. I’m sure you are shocked, confused, and probably have lots of questions. I too have dealt with my own confusion and still have lots of questions. This hasn’t been and isn’t an overnight thing. From the outside looking in, I’m sure it doesn’t make sense to you. Most importantly, I need for you to understand that this wasn’t a choice. I didn’t wake up one morning and decide to try something new.
My journey to where I am now has been a painful one. I can’t begin to write down in words what I have gone through to get to here. I know with every fiber of my being that this was not a choice, it is just who I am. I know it was not a choice for any person who is in this position. This path is one of loneliness, self-loathing, self-doubt, fear, rejection, and pain. The decisions I have been faced with have been difficult. No person would willingly choose this path. No one person or experience in my life has made me this way. It is not anyone’s fault, not even my own. A person’s sexuality is too complex to be decided by only a handful of factors. It is greater than the sum of its parts.
I’ve always known I was different from the others. That is a feeling that has been with me for as long as I can recall. I always felt like I had to strive to find commonality with my heterosexual male counterparts. I never liked the same things they did and I was never into sports. I never had a fascination with the female form and aside from only a handful of relationships I never had any kind of meaningful connection with other women. While I knew I was different, my peers in grade school sensed it. They made sure to exclude me and bully me further confirming those feelings of dissimilarity.
Life went on, I grew and developed. I knew I was different, but I didn’t know how. Rather, I rationalized in my mind that while I was different, I wasn’t that different. I didn’t and still do not identify with the “gay” stereotype involving pride parades and a loud effeminate lifestyle. Because I didn’t identify with that scene and because of other deep ingrained morals and values, I denied who and what I really was. I conveniently packed that part of myself away and ignored it.
When I met Starsha and developed a friendship with her, I discovered that we had much in common. I loved her for who she was and the friendship we had. We married and started a family and our lives together have been wonderful. We’ve never faced a problem together that we couldn’t get through together. Everything has been seemingly wonderful. However, there’s always been something amiss for myself. That other part of me that I had always tried to keep packed away, out of sight out of mind, was pushing itself further and further into the forefront of my mind.
I never imagined the consequences of denying a part of who you are. The last few years have been rocky for me personally. I found myself becoming increasingly unhappy and unsatisfied with life. Episodes of depression that have always been common in my life became more frequent and severe. I found myself in a very dark place emotionally and spiritually. I was coming into a place where I could no longer continue to deny who I was. I had built this heterosexual identity that took an immense amount of energy to personify and protect. I sought counseling to deal with this and other issues I was facing. It was not until this point in my life that I had to be honest with myself. After much introspection, many tears, and raw cold hard truth was I able to answer for my therapist and myself what I was. “I am gay”, I answered in response to her probing question. Up until this point I had rationalized for myself that I was just a regular heterosexual guy who had this other little quirk that I could just ignore and not really worry about.
For months following this first admission I struggled with my identity and true sexual orientation. I questioned everything. I knew deep down what was true, but accepting it was a different thing. I knew I needed to tell my wife and be honest with her. Through this whole time she had sensed the separation between us as I continued to desperately try and conceal my true self. I had so many fears of how she might react and how she might feel. My biggest fear was losing her. My second biggest fear was hurting the person that I loved so much.
I wanted to take everything I had discovered about myself and stuff it back into the recesses of my mind. I often thought about the easy way out of it all. I felt like I was stuck between a rock and hard place. I felt like my only two options where continuing to live a lie or hurting and possibly losing someone I loved. I wanted the pain and confusion I was feeling inside to end. I considered on several occasions taking my own life to escape the reality I was facing. I spent months trying to work up the courage to tell my wife, looking for the perfect opportunity.
I finally took the chance and told her my deepest darkest secret, allowed her to know a part of me that I had scarcely allowed myself to know. It was scary and painful. It was one of those raw moments that are frozen in time. We spent many hours hashing out everything that each of us was feeling, revealing our fears to each other, holding each other, and loving each other. Through it all, Starsha made sure I knew that I was loved, supported, and accepted. She made sure to tell me that she wanted me to be the real me. The barrier I had built up over the years came crashing down. We drew close to each other and saw new life breathed into our relationship. We began to feel closer to each other than we ever had.
I married Starsha for all the right reasons. We were young, we were in love, and we wanted to be with each other forever, and still do. I have always loved her, everything about her. I have always loved her body and I have always been genuinely attracted to her. But as I mentioned earlier, I still felt that something was missing, that a part of me was missing. There are a multitude of reasons why I did not fully understand my sexual orientation and identity when we married. Chief among them are my religious upbringing, young age, and societal norms.
I’m sure you have many questions still. The answers will come in time. Right now, all we ask for is your love, support, and understanding. Our love for each other is strong. Our marriage and our relationship is much larger than sexual orientation. You may wonder why this even matters. I hope that my journey to this point in my life helps you to understand why this is important to me, why it is important for me to be honest with myself about who and what I am. We don’t know what this is supposed to look like or how it is supposed to work. But we have each other and a strong love and know that we can get through anything together." - The Husband. ... If he wants me to use his name I will get back to you with it. But for now... I shall leave it at that.
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