My parent's had come over to say goodbye. The time was growing in which I had not heard from the hubs. My stomach swirled with anxiety. It texted and texted. And called and called. I texted his mom to make sure he had made it. She didn't respond the first time. I messaged her again. She seemed put out but did say she had eaten lunch with him. Her message wreaked of negative juju... which only fueled my anxiety more. Son of a bitch... something was seriously wrong. I could sense it. The worry was seeping into me from all around. The universe was warning me. I made believe that it was all in my imagination.
My son and I went to DQ with my parents. When we had gotten into the restaurant and found a seat, that is when my hubs silence was finally broken. It had been over 4 hours. He says he's home. I invite him to DQ. He declines. Then I ask him what is wrong.
"I'm not going."
"Is this some sick kind of April Fool's joke?"
"No, I'm not going. But I think you are ready to go."
 |
| Meltdown in 3.....2....1..... |
The world doesn't work anymore... I'm no longer able to control my anxiety.... I can feel my pulse surging all over my body. My head goes swirly and and my chest tightens. My kid is talking to me but I can't really understand him. My mom and dad are talking to me... and I just flip out. I can't be here anymore... I have to go home. I have to go home. My mom suggests I go outside for some fresh air. I do... but then my legs just carry me towards home. I'm bawling and I call the hubs. I am telling you now. If ever I have had a freak out moment... this was the mother of them all. I asked hubs to come get me through the tears and boogers. It was bad, y'all... and ugly. I'm sure the passing cars were cringing in horror. WTF is wrong with that girl. Perhaps some calls were made to the local law enforcement. Who knows... I was devastated. And it showed.
We get back to the house. The hubs appears to be both distressed and put out that I was bawling. The hubs was cut off from me. He had denied me access to his inner feels. This feeling always makes me feel even more uneasy. He started telling me about how he wasn't ready to go. I asked him if he would ever be ready. He said that he didn't know. I asked if he was leaving me. He said that he didn't know.
FREAK ATTACK
What do you mean you don't know?!?!?! (my heart is racing and i can feel my blood pressure rising. I know it is rising because of the way my backbone starts pounding.)
"There have just been certain patterns that I've noticed over the last 10 years of our marriage..."
"Are you talking about my housekeeper skills? Are you seriously going to leave me because I'm not a good house cleaner?!?!"
Ok... so this is something you should know. I've never been a good housekeeper... Like ever. I had improved over the years but I was still extremely lacking in this area. Any time we fight about anything, this is where we always come to. Because I have no defense what...so....ever... I mean... I have cleaned but I cannot ever seem to keep it up to the standard. The laundry is never done all the way and typically ends up in baskets for the family to pick through. I did the dishes, but I didn't keep up with the details. I was good at decluttering. And if I cleaned that's what I did. I decluttered. But... alas anytime my husband became mad at me, I never did anything ever in the whole history of my existence.
"Well there is that and other things," he explained.
"What?!?"
He then began to say how I was emotionally manipulative. Which... let me tell you.... how dare I cry when I'm sad or upset. Because you know, that is totally just me being manipulative... (can you hear my eyes rolling? Because they're rolling pretty hard right now). You see... he couldn't possibly feel guilty because he had done something shady. He was incapable of doing wrong of course and so any implication that he had caused a negative emotion in me was apparently absolutely insidious. He had been on this kick for some months now. You know... since I'd been crying for months because I was sharing my husband with countless others while I felt neglected. But you know.... I'm manipulating him so he'll feel guilty. You see where I'm going with this, right? My kingdom for a sarcasm font....
My parents come back... I'm still bawling... and you know being that dastardly manipulator that I am... (OMG YES>>>> I AM STILL ROLLING MY FUCKING EYEBALLS... GET OFF ME!!!)
My parent's do not stick around long, because the tension is thick. But I relay what is going on to my mom. They leave. I am left crying in the living room. I hear my husband on the phone telling someone that I am bawling over the telephone. Probably his mother.
You see, what happened is he went to see his mother for lunch. She got him alone and manipulated him into staying. She can play him like a fiddle. He even admitted it to me, while holding firm that even though he had been manipulated he was still making the best choice for him. Now that I look back, it is possible that he was just using his mom to deflect some guilt of himself so that he didn't have to feel guilty. Of course now I am just making speculations. The world may never know...
I had to go. I went to my nearest bestie's house and she helped comfort me. I had to run this by someone. I had to know that I was not absolutely insane for feeling the way I felt. I had to know what someone else thought. She soothed me and gave me some balance. She said she totally understood why I felt the way I did. I went home. The fact that I spazzed out was held against me. He had shut down and no longer wanted to talk to me.
I sat in the bed trying to silently cry to myself. Then I wanted to talk. I wanted to be held.
I literally begged him to hold me. I begged for comfort. He gave me none. He said he had nothing to give me. He told me that he could only do for himself. I asked him where that left me and he said that he did not know. He could not deal with me or my bullshit. He had his own shit to deal with. I went outside and bawled facedown in the grass for what seemed like hours. I don't actually remember how long I was out there. He did not come check on me. I don't exactly remember, but I probably cried in the shower too that night. It had become a regular practice at this point.
The next morning there were more discussions. I asked him about what I should do. I asked him what he thought.
He said, "I think that it would be good for us for you to go, but the decision is yours, I can't make it for you."
"You're heart is in Utah"
"I just need some time to wrap up some things."
I was also told that I was up his ass and always in his business. That I was always around.
He assured me that he wanted to be with me. He assured me that he would come up to Utah eventually. I made him promise that he would. I told him that I did not want to go unless he was coming. I made him promise that he would not feel abandoned. Several times.
He agreed to watch Korbin for me so it would be easier to find a job.
I decided to go. He was tired of me being around, and we had to start making money. I hoped that he would miss me and want me around again. I got my things ready to go. We explained to Korbin that we weren't all going together and that I was going on ahead. He was upset but he understood. And he was super pumped when I reminded him that he got into that awesome new school.
My husband stood up from the bed, finally, and gave me a hug. He looked me in the eyes and said he loved me and said goodbye. The words sent a chill through me and as I looked into his eyes it felt like he was saying his final goodbye. I shook it off as a feeling and my fear of abandonment.
I pulled out of the driveway and bawled all the way to Albuquerque.
I texted my husband on the way.... told him to tell me to come home if he doesn't want to come. I said I'd turn around right there and come home. The husband told me he wanted to be anywhere but there and reassured me that he just needed time to wrap things up. He said that he would tell me if he didn't want to come and tell me to come home. Remember this....
Afterthought: Here would have been an excellent time for the hubs to tell me he was done. That he needed to be free. I could never prove it, but I have a sneaking suspicion that this was all orchestrated so he could lay the blame on me for everything. I could be wrong... but I really don't think I am. Take note of the details in this post. They are true and what happened. The details of this post will be called into question at a later date and it will cause me to question my reality and sanity.
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