Let's Move to Utah

Amid all of the chaos and such, I planned a trip for our son and I to go to Ogden, Utah to visit my good friend.

It was amazing. I loved it. There was so much there to do and see. I knew that the hubs would love it too. There was skiing, hiking, camping, and all kinds of activities. It was also an area that had gay bars. It was a bigger city with a small town feel. It felt so right. There were jobs too... and the population was very diverse. I knew that is where we needed to be. I had no anxiety about it either... and if you know me, you know that I can kind of be an anxious person. 

I called the hubs. I explained to him how awesome it was and said let's move here!! The hubs said ok, let's do it!! I then told him not to shit with me because I was as fucking serious as I could be about anything. He said, Ok... let's do it!!! 

I am not sure that I had wanted anything so bad in my life! Even before we got married, I had wanted to move away. Actually, as funny as it might sound, we had originally planned to move to Africa to be missionaries. Something that appalled his mother and she diligently prayed against it. So, as time went by I knew that we were less and less likely to ever leave. I tried and tried. I longed for the day that I could move away and see more of the world.... experience being out and about away from everything we always knew. I felt like the two of us could accomplish anything. The longer we remained in the same place... the more he began to say he wanted to stay. I had resigned myself to be a wanderlusting gypsy that would never spread her wings. 

I felt like I had endured so much. The hubs had struggled though a few existential crises since we had started dating. Before we even got married. He struggled through college and decided to quit. He worked at Chic-fil-et awhile. Then he was a computer tech for a family friend's computer business. I got pregnant and we had a baby and we had to move in with my parent's for awhile. I got a job baby-sitting so we could move out. 

Then he tried to be a police officer. After being refused from police academy for his lack of life experience due to being home-schooled (which is ridiculous if you ask me) he had another mini melt down and couldn't figure out who he was supposed to be. He got laid off due to the economy and decided to be a paramedic. During this time, I pretty much felt like a single mother. He did odd jobs for his mother while he attended school. I was still babysitting during this time. I managed to provide a decent income to help support the family while he was going to paramedic school. 

I began work on my master's degree during this time, which I finally obtained in 2013. That's when I started working as a QMHP for MHMR.

He worked in one county decided he hated it, moved to working in a different county, then decided he hated that and moved back to working at the original county he had began at. All the while having a hard time emotionally over this or that. All of which I thought were mostly understandable. I always try to give people the benefit of the fucking doubt. It was stressful and he was angsty... but I always told him whatever he needed to do would be good with me. 

He then became very stressed and could not longer work as a paramedic and had to quit that. He went back to school and worked part-time for minimum wage while he attended college courses to see how he would do as a physics major. This did not end successfully either. He got a job with the state fixing computers and he seemed to like it, for awhile. He began having troubles there and could not attend without having major panic attacks.

Then there was the heart scare. Where he couldn't be in the heat and would have episodes. I had to rush him to the ER. We found out that he had some heart damage from a unexplainable rapid heartbeat.

And then there was the whole coming out as gay thing.... which pretty much sent my life spiraling out of control.

I spent a great deal of time holding him while he cried. Doing things to support him through his time of crisis. It was okay for me to be the strong one. I knew that he could be the emotionally strong one sometime. I had to be there for him. I loved him. And I did not mind.... But you see.. the last spell lasted over a year and I had become quite exhausted. He was having really good days, but also really bad days. I did everything I could to help him. But it seemed like nothing was working. And he seemed to be getting more and more distant from me.

In my heart of heart's, I felt that if I could get my family up to Ogden... everything would be better. It felt so right. And he had given me his blessing. We were going to do this. I was so excited!!! There were reiki masters there for him to network with so he could work as a reiki master as well. Which would have been perfect, since he never really did well with authority. 

I originally intended to meet my hubs in New Mexico to give him the kid so I could go back up to Ogden and start the job search. When I met him there, he asked me to come home. So I did! He said he was overwhelmed and needed help. So, I went home to help.... Little did I know this would be the last span of time that I would be welcomed to my home.....