What's love got to do with it.

Love is a thing that lives in us. It flows through us and throughout the universe. Love is the creator of all things and yet seems to be so elusive. Love is what connects us and binds us to everything alive. Yet, at times, it is a thing I fear. A thing that seems foreign to me at times. A strange separation that calls up within me both a longing and a need to flee. I feel as if I love all things, all people... but then I do not trust that the love shall be returned.

Should I expect it to? Should love be an expectation I give to the world in return for my own sentimental regard? I don't believe it to be. I yearn to be free from the idea that love must be a reciprocation. Let my love flow outwardly to all without an ill thought as to the origin of the love I wish to receive.

Let the love I feel come from me. Let me love me. So that the deep desperation within is fulfilled and I do not have to seek fervently to quench my thirst with another. I am enough. I certainly am, though perhaps I have yet to fully accept this perception into the realms of my reality.


Quite simply put, I am afraid to be loved. I don't trust it anymore. I want to... but in the meantime I will do my best to love. Maybe someday, I'll trust in love again. Until then, I'll do my best to live and and appreciate what comes into my life.... Just as I celebrate the exposure of the lies... for they set me free.

I'm baaaccckkk.... maybe?

Wow, I've been gone for some time... I hope you understand that I have been a preoccupied with my present situation. The healing has begun and some interesting twists and turns have happened along the way. Of course that means I have done a great deal of neglecting my blog. Here's to attempting to get back on the blog wagon.

Happy New Year!!!

It is the new year.... it is time to shirk off the old and embrace the new.... 2017 is going to be my hear! It sure as hell better be my year!

At least I won't be having a divorce this year... it's already looking up!

I feel very compelled to finish my story... but at the same time it feels like I will be dredging up the old horrible feelings that I wish to leave far.... FAR.... behind. I still have to tell my story. It is necessary for my sanity to complete the task... but I also want to start focusing on the present. So.... I'm going to kind of do a flashback thing here and there... and maybe everywhere lol. I'm not always on point.



After I got home from Utah, my then husband let me stay the night... He made my favorite meal of homemade spaghetti. I was so happy to see my family, but also so desperately upset. It might be interesting for you to know that we fucked when I got back from Utah. Yeah... he still digs boning his wife. He just doesn't want to live with her. "Can we still be fuck buddies?" hahahahaha..... I'm going to go hang my head in shame for a moment. Gawd... I loved that man. Anyways... So I lived with my mom and he would invite me over for booty calls and what not. I learned that he had someone over all the time. It was like they were dating but the hubs assured me that they were not. With my current knowledge....

I'm pretty sure they were an item. Officially... Lord knows when I came over and there were condoms everywhere and lube littered all about. But there were multiple guys... so whatever... ugh...

We talked, him and I. I begged him to tell me if I had no chance of being with him. He just kept telling me that he had no solid plans and assured me that he wanted us to work. He wanted us to be healthy. Which, I now know meant that he didn't think he should be married to a woman.... My bad. He should have told me... right then and there... but then he couldn't have repeatedly stabbed me with his emotional knives over and over and over.... What joy would I have in store... I can't even begin to tell you...

I started going to counseling. I wanted to "be healthy" enough for my husband. It's kind of where I found out I was being groomed to believe I was the crazy one... I had actually believed it was all my fault.

I was verbally assaulted on Mother's day after spending the day in tears. Why? He didn't have enough money. I had already made sure to get over 3,000 in the bank... but it still wasn't enough. He abandoned our bank account and left me with over 1,300 bucks in overdraft fees... Fun times...

He blamed me for abandoning him on more than one occasion... but then would tell me that I did nothing to deserve what he had put me through. Of course the accusations came when I was not being docile and going with the flow.

He'd be sweet and tell me things and I felt an honest connection. He related once that he felt that I would get hurt either way... no matter what he decided to do with me.

And then... there was his new fiance.... (cue appropriate music)

Flash forward....

So... I'm officially divorced. The date was November 21, 2016. I haven't caught up on my blog. My wifi has been down and I have had some major shit go down....

I will inform you of the divorce proceedings and of the events leading up to the divorce... But today I am going to share an angry and sad letter I wrote to him a few weeks ago. I'll change the name, but the text shall remain the same.

I was feeling pretty amazing... about finally being divorced and finally over the hard shit. Well, I was wrong.... Here comes the stabby stabby emotional heart knife to fuck up my day.

I found out that Mr. Sunshine (former hubs) had been cheating on me... like the majority of our marriage. Yeah.... I already knew that he had cheated on me with someone about 2 - 3 years ago... but then I figure out... no it has been way longer. WAAAYYYY longer.... Sooo.... I'm just gonna put this here....

Of course there was the initial text confrontation. To which he acted like he was so over my drama... (eyeroll)....

Dear (insert name here), 

I trusted you. With everything I had. I told you everything. My heart and soul were bare before you. I shared my deepest self. My core self. My energy. I let you feel me. The real me. And all I got was a shell of a human that I only believed was mine. I know I was connected to you in a way that cannot be explained. I do not understand how I could have been so blind. All those years of me falling asleep, crying, scared to death that you were going to cheat on me and leave me were actually just my intuition giving me the heads up. I always convinced myself that it was just my anxiety and fear of abandonment. And you touting “when would I have time to cheat on you.” And I thought you were screwing Elizabeth… nope just the grindr boys. 

I felt sorry for you. Sorry that you had to live your life as a straight man. Denying yourself your true nature…. holding onto me for dear life. What a load of shit. You had to lie the whole time about your sexual experience…. even in the mental hospital you told the therapist in front of me that you had never had a sexual experience with a man. You lied about grindr. You lied about everything. You knew what position you liked. You knew how to fuck pretty well. And then you came home to me and exposed me to gawd knows what… There were things that went on downstairs that i would have seen a professional about had I known you were fucking other people. You let me unknowingly stick your dick in my mouth when it had been used to fuck assholes. Did you even care about that? 

I can’t believe i let you convince me that you felt abandoned for awhile. I can’t believe that you tried to convince me that I was responsible for my own abandonment. I can’t believe you accused me of tossing you aside when I was done with you. You were the one doing the tossing. Maybe you didn’t want to move away from all your male love interests. Maybe you just didn’t want to leave your mommy. Idk… but the stories you have weaved are lies. Do you really believe them? All these things you have accused me of were things that you ended up doing to me. Screams of gas lighting… while you were rewriting history. Your finger in my face on mother’s day telling me to shut the fuck up…. asking me why I came back… Really? I think you were mad I came home because then your contrived story didn’t quite look so accurate. You made me out to be the monster, when it was you all along. That monster inside of you. You couldn’t handle it so you put it on me… and I took it for you. You need to look inside yourself and figure out what you need. You are leaving a trail of destruction. It won’t stop until you look at yourself long and hard in the mirror and figure out what you need. Really need. Instead of wearing the mask and pursuing what looks good to the world. Maybe you are already on that path. IDK…. 

I know you cheated on me. For a long time. Longer than I could have even dreamed. All I want from you is the truth. From your lips to my ears. You know what you did. It is time to own it. You owe me that… if nothing else. I deserve an explanation as to why you did what you did… to your family. If you ever loved me, you’ll give me that. I need to know everything so I can stop being surprised. So I can heal without having my emotions completely assaulted when I least expect it… I’m going on a year almost of this shit fest. But here you are… still acting like the fucking victim because your wife hired a lawyer so she could just get what was fair from you. I’m glad you think you’re so cute posting that messed up bs on Facebook about losing 250lbs of dead weight. That just made you look like an asshole. And when you say shit of fb like you never knew love until Ethan… Posting engagement ring pics the day after our 11th year anniversary… that only confirms my suspicion that you never really loved me. I loved the fuck out of you, I would have died for your ass…. IDK if I can trust anything that we ever had anymore. Maybe it is for the best. The sad part is… I still love the fuck out of you…. but I loathe you too. 

I am truly thankful for your sperm donation, though. Korbin is worth the suffering. I just hate that he has to experience this shit fest too. 

You do not make someone believe that they are your one and only… and treat them the way you treated me…. You just don’t! 

Most of all, I am mad at myself. Mad that I didn’t see through your lies. Mad that I trusted you. Angry as hell at being betrayed and violated on an emotional level. This is so much worse than when I was raped…. I feel so much more violated than I ever felt with Carl.  There is a piece of me that is broken… and I do not know if I will ever be able to fix it. 

I have so much to say, but I do not know if any of this even matters to you… which is a sad thing to have to question. 

-Starsha Brown (I kept my name for Korbin. He asked me too, btw)

P.S.

I wrote this on July 27th…. I have since come to realize that I had to write you a whole new letter. Because of all the shit that has gone down since then…. I have included it because you need to see it.  

Dear (insert name here),

Here we are, at this place I never dreamed we’d be. The world still feels very unreal to me. I never would have believed that you and I would have ended up this way. Alas, it is true and I must accept it. And it is time for me to do just that. 

You have moved on. Completely and utterly. You have replaced me, quite expediently. Especially for someone who claimed that they wanted to be alone, learn how to depend on themselves, and to “be healthy” enough to be in a relationship. But here you are, in a committed relationship. Living with him, taking pictures of your rings and posing like you are going to go pick out your new drapes, and rarely being alone. I’ve tried to give you the benefit of the doubt about that Facebook relationship status starting on June 1st, when I have the evidence right in my face. But, when I see confessions about being a wounded animal and how you never knew love until now. That was the most painful thing to me. It was disrespectful and insensitive to insinuate that what we had was not really love. Not only have I loved you unconditionally, I will never be able to unlove you. I still receive admonishments from family, friends, and my counselor for defending you and considering your feelings over mine. 

You gave me hope that you were going to get back with me. That you did love me and that you did want to be with me. Hearing that you never really intended on getting back with me and that you just said that because you didn’t think I could handle it…. infuriates me. Especially after I begged you to tell me if that was true when you first said I was not allowed to come home. 

I wish you would have just left me on my birthday. Just said, I’m gay, I love you, but I have to be gay. I broke my rules for you. I tried to make myself into someone I was not. The pain you put me through so you could experiment and be gay. I gladly did it for you. It hurt like hell, but I did. When we opened up the relationship, you jumped into it with a great zeal. Over 20 guys in such a short time… I tried to do it too, but all I found was emptiness. I did a lot of pretending. I did learn some new things about myself. I did realize that all I wanted was you during the experience. I regret putting myself through that period of my life. I did it because I thought it was the only way I could keep you, and I lost you anyway. 

I’ve heard some of the things that have been said about me, and I must say that I am quite disappointed at the implications. I’m not sure if the rumors have become distorted as they travel or if they began that way. I do understand that lies have been told about me. And I know you need to believe certain things in order to justify your most recent actions. 

Regarding your “perceptions” of abandonment when I went to Utah. You were really the one doing the abandoning. I don’t know if you have lied to yourself so much about it that you actually believe it, but you and I both know that I would not have left if I felt like you would not come with me. I was up in Utah finding a job, I got our son in a Charter school through a lottery system, I was networking in the gay community so that you would have friends, and I networked with reiki masters so you could pursue that as your career. I was making a way for my family. You are the one who abandoned me. And apparently, if my sources are true, planning on using it against me to make me out to look like a bad mother. 

I am not going to do that anymore. I do love myself, and who I am. I will not be ashamed for the depth in which I feel things. I will not apologize for wanting to bring cheer into the lives of others. I will not let anyone try to convince me that my emotions are wrong or manipulative. I am not here to take abuse when someone else has a bad day. I am an awesome and amazing person, flawed, but with a beautiful heart. I have not deserved the way you have treated me. I will not allow myself to be treated like that anymore. 

You once told me that your greatest fears were losing me, and hurting me. Congratulations. 

When the bomb drops.

So, I'm in Utah... Staying with my friend. Putting in applications and resumes all over the place, attending interviews. I was also networking with Reiki masters, building a group of gay friends off of grindr for my husband, scoping out the gay bars for him. I was getting Korbin's school stuff in order for the upcoming year. I was also taking notes from my friend on how to shop more effectively and be more organized. I talked to my husband and kid everyday that he was home via video chat. During the weekends, the hubs always took the offspring to my mom's house. There were some long weekends the month I was gone so the kid spent a huge chunk of his time with my mom and dad.

 I found someone (a guy) to engage in the open relationship agreement with and got the hubs approval before proceeding. The hubs said he finally understood how I felt. He said he must feel about me sleeping with guys the way I felt about him sleeping with guys. He also said it kind of turned him on and he wanted to watch a guy fuck me. So it felt like we might have a plan.

I spent every night in bed crying. Hoping and wishing for my husband to miss me.

During the time my husband told me that he would be coming up to be with me on June 1st. He said that he just wanted to go to his mom's 50th birthday party and get Korbin finished with the school year. That weekend he spent with his family at his sisters up in the metroplex. I told him that I wanted to video chat with everyone. When the call was placed at first I had a cold reception and everyone scattered the moment they saw my face. The mother-in-law was especially chilly. I questioned the hubs on what had happened and he continually made excuses and would not let me talk to his family. After this weekend my hubs said that he didn't know if he wanted to come or not. I was worried. I'm sure it had nothing to do with him spending time with his family and mother (cue sarcasm font and eye roll please). His responses to some of my texts became sketchy and well worded... his silence after certain things I said on the phone were becoming more and more unnerving. I dismissed it as my anxiety and fear of abandonment.

Not long after this happened I had a positive phone interview and was invited to a second interview. The company was one that if you got a second interview, you were pretty much golden for the job. I was super stoked. Finally!!

I also had a weird experience. One of the reiki master's I had been talking to met me in the park. He told me all manners of things about myself that he would have no way of knowing. He also said that the next 3 months of my life were going to be a living hell. Excuse me? A living hell? He added that I would survive, be stronger than ever, and would be better able to help others.

I was in shock. I asked him what he meant and Reiki Master told me that I already knew what was going to happen but I didn't know how to wrap my head around it. He talked about my intuition and said I needed to learn how to trust myself. Immediately I knew what he was implying. He was saying that my husband was leaving me. My stomach turned. I immediately told myself that he didn't know what he was talking about. I went home and spoke with my husband on the phone and he assured me that he loved me and missed me. See, I told myself, he isn't leaving me. My gut still didn't feel right. I was still uneasy...

Not many days after this, I felt like I needed to come home. My husband said he loved me and missed me and wanted to see me. His responses were funny and he acted weird when I asked if I could come home. I had to see him and make sure that Reiki Guy was wrong....

The next day, my husband called early in the day. His call worried me as soon as I saw his name on my screen. My stomach churned as I answered. He made small talk and asked when I would be coming home. I told him that I would be leaving in the next day or two.

And then he said it....

When you come back you need to go stay with your mom.

Excuse me?

You cannot come back to the house to live.

Crushed... that's how my heart felt. And I was in disbelief. The tears automatically came. I was in public. And I was crying and blubbering on the telephone.

The hubs then began to tell me that I had left my home and abandoned him.
I reminded him that I did not abandon him and he promised me he would not feel that way.
He said he knew that but he's had a lot of time to think and he now felt like I ran away and abandoned him.

He also said things like I deserve better than he could give me. He said I was a force to be reckoned with. And a whole bunch of other things that would insinuate that he was in fact, breaking up with me.

He told me that he had made the decision a week ago and had already informed his parents.

I noted how unfair it was that he just made that decision and didn't care to tell me about it. I also noted how weird his explanations were. He also went back and forth between blaming me for it and then telling me how awesome I was and I had nothing to do with it. I asked him if we were getting a divorce. He said he didn't even want to go there. I was so confused. He said we were unhealthy for each other and he just wanted to be healthy.

Utter devastation. How could this happen? Why was he blaming me? He knew he could have told me to come home at any time.... He knew that.

I packed up my things and got ready to come home. Tearfully... I had to go home and save my marriage.

On my way home, I met someone that I refer to as Master.... I'll tell you all about him someday. He deserves his own blog post! hahaha!



I also had to not die.... my worst fear was coming true and my fear of abandonment was surging out of control. I would be lying if I didn't feel like death may be better. I rationalized that if I were gone, then the hubs could go and be gay without worrying about me. I could make it okay in my brain that everyone would be okay without me.... except for one... my son. My son is the only reason that I made it through the darkest time in my life.


I was hopeful... but deep down I knew it was over. I just hadn't accepted it yet.

Word!

April Fools!!!

 It was April 1st. We were departing the next day. It was going to be awesome!


My parent's had come over to say goodbye. The time was growing in which I had not heard from the hubs. My stomach swirled with anxiety. It texted and texted. And called and called. I texted his mom to make sure he had made it. She didn't respond the first time. I messaged her again. She seemed put out but did say she had eaten lunch with him. Her message wreaked of negative juju... which only fueled my anxiety more. Son of a bitch... something was seriously wrong. I could sense it. The worry was seeping into me from all around. The universe was warning me. I made believe that it was all in my imagination.

My son and I went to DQ with my parents. When we had gotten into the restaurant and found a seat, that is when my hubs silence was finally broken. It had been over 4 hours. He says he's home. I invite him to DQ. He declines. Then I ask him what is wrong.

"I'm not going."

"Is this some sick kind of April Fool's joke?"

"No, I'm not going. But I think you are ready to go."

Meltdown in 3.....2....1.....

The world doesn't work anymore... I'm no longer able to control my anxiety.... I can feel my pulse surging all over my body. My head goes swirly and and my chest tightens. My kid is talking to me but I can't really understand him. My mom and dad are talking to me... and I just flip out. I can't be here anymore... I have to go home. I have to go home. My mom suggests I go outside for some fresh air. I do... but then my legs just carry me towards home. I'm bawling and I call the hubs. I am telling you now. If ever I have had a freak out moment... this was the mother of them all. I asked hubs to come get me through the tears and boogers. It was bad, y'all... and ugly. I'm sure the passing cars were cringing in horror. WTF is wrong with that girl. Perhaps some calls were made to the local law enforcement. Who knows... I was devastated. And it showed.

We get back to the house. The hubs appears to be both distressed and put out that I was bawling. The hubs was cut off from me. He had denied me access to his inner feels. This feeling always makes me feel even more uneasy. He started telling me about how he wasn't ready to go. I asked him if he would ever be ready. He said that he didn't know. I asked if he was leaving me. He said that he didn't know.

FREAK ATTACK

What do you mean you don't know?!?!?! (my heart is racing and i can feel my blood pressure rising. I know it is rising because of the way my backbone starts pounding.)

"There have just been certain patterns that I've noticed over the last 10 years of our marriage..."

"Are you talking about my housekeeper skills? Are you seriously going to leave me because I'm not a good house cleaner?!?!"

Ok... so this is something you should know. I've never been a good housekeeper... Like ever. I had improved over the years but I was still extremely lacking in this area. Any time we fight about anything, this is where we always come to. Because I have no defense what...so....ever... I mean... I have cleaned but I cannot ever seem to keep it up to the standard. The laundry is never done all the way and typically ends up in baskets for the family to pick through. I did the dishes, but I didn't keep up with the details. I was good at decluttering. And if I cleaned that's what I did. I decluttered. But... alas anytime my husband became mad at me, I never did anything ever in the whole history of my existence.

"Well there is that and other things," he explained.

"What?!?"

He then began to say how I was emotionally manipulative. Which... let me tell you.... how dare I cry when I'm sad or upset. Because you know, that is totally just me being manipulative... (can you hear my eyes rolling? Because they're rolling pretty hard right now). You see... he couldn't possibly feel guilty because he had done something shady. He was incapable of doing wrong of course and so any implication that he had caused a negative emotion in me was apparently absolutely insidious.  He had been on this kick for some months now. You know... since I'd been crying for months because I was sharing my husband with countless others while I felt neglected.  But you know.... I'm manipulating him so he'll feel guilty. You see where I'm going with this, right? My kingdom for a sarcasm font....

My parents come back... I'm still bawling... and you know being that dastardly manipulator that I am... (OMG YES>>>> I AM STILL ROLLING MY FUCKING EYEBALLS... GET OFF ME!!!)

My parent's do not stick around long, because the tension is thick. But I relay what is going on to my mom. They leave. I am left crying in the living room. I hear my husband on the phone telling someone that I am bawling over the telephone. Probably his mother.

You see, what happened is he went to see his mother for lunch. She got him alone and manipulated him into staying. She can play him like a fiddle. He even admitted it to me, while holding firm that even though he had been manipulated he was still making the best choice for him. Now that I look back, it is possible that he was just using his mom to deflect some guilt of himself so that he didn't have to feel guilty. Of course now I am just making speculations. The world may never know...

I had to go. I went to my nearest bestie's house and she helped comfort me. I had to run this by someone. I had to know that I was not absolutely insane for feeling the way I felt. I had to know what someone else thought. She soothed me and gave me some balance. She said she totally understood why I felt the way I did. I went home. The fact that I spazzed out was held against me. He had shut down and no longer wanted to talk to me.

I sat in the bed trying to silently cry to myself. Then I wanted to talk. I wanted to be held.

I literally begged him to hold me. I begged for comfort. He gave me none. He said he had nothing to give me. He told me that he could only do for himself. I asked him where that left me and he said that he did not know. He could not deal with me or my bullshit. He had his own shit to deal with. I went outside and bawled facedown in the grass for what seemed like hours. I don't actually remember how long I was out there. He did not come check on me. I don't exactly remember, but I probably cried in the shower too that night. It had become a regular practice at this point.

The next morning there were more discussions. I asked him about what I should do. I asked him what he thought.

He said, "I think that it would be good for us for you to go, but the decision is yours, I can't make it for you."

"You're heart is in Utah"

"I just need some time to wrap up some things."

I was also told that I was up his ass and always in his business. That I was always around.

He assured me that he wanted to be with me. He assured me that he would come up to Utah eventually. I made him promise that he would. I told him that I did not want to go unless he was coming. I made him promise that he would not feel abandoned. Several times.

He agreed to watch Korbin for me so it would be easier to find a job.

I decided to go. He was tired of me being around, and we had to start making money. I hoped that he would miss me and want me around again. I got my things ready to go. We explained to Korbin that we weren't all going together and that I was going on ahead. He was upset but he understood. And he was super pumped when I reminded him that he got into that awesome new school.

My husband stood up from the bed, finally, and gave me a hug. He looked me in the eyes and said he loved me and said goodbye. The words sent a chill through me and as I looked into his eyes it felt like he was saying his final goodbye. I shook it off as a feeling and my fear of abandonment.

I pulled out of the driveway and bawled all the way to Albuquerque.

I texted my husband on the way.... told him to tell me to come home if he doesn't want to come. I said I'd turn around right there and come home. The husband told me he wanted to be anywhere but there and reassured me that he just needed time to wrap things up. He said that he would tell me if he didn't want to come and tell me to come home.  Remember this....








Afterthought: Here would have been an excellent time for the hubs to tell me he was done. That he needed to be free. I could never prove it, but I have a sneaking suspicion that this was all orchestrated so he could lay the blame on me for everything. I could be wrong... but I really don't think I am. Take note of the details in this post. They are true and what happened. The details of this post will be called into question at a later date and it will cause me to question my reality and sanity.

The beginning of the end

I came home to my husband. And I had said plainly, that I'm going back to Utah. Of course, when I said that I fully intended it like I would be going back with my family... or at least they would be joining me there.

I commenced getting ready. With my husband's consent, I began selling things so that we could have some money. It was emotional for me selling things. But I knew it was for my family. I began to get rid of things that I loved because the possessions were not as important to me as making sure my family made it to our final destination. 

I had entered my son's name in a lottery system to become part of a charter school. It was a school that had a hands on approach to learning. Well, my son got in. He was ecstatic because we had visited the school. He loved it so much he left the building that day skipping with joy. Everything seemed to be falling into place.

Then it happened. My husband walked into the bedroom and said, why don't we just go. Just go and leave the house and worry about the renovations to rent it out later. He said let's go next Thursday. Let's go. I said, ok let's do this mother fucker. Not much longer after this conversation I received a phone call for a job interview. After this phone interview I was invited to a face to face interview. I had been putting in applications for jobs in Ogden. It was on Monday, April 4th. So, it was time to go. We all planned on going together. The three of us. 

We talked about it. We were excited! 

I had mentioned to one of newly found gay grindr friend's that we were moving. Well let me tell you... the gay grapevine is quick to spread the news. Before I knew it my husband was getting inquisitive texts about when he was going to tell them he was moving. I had assumed that he was telling people. Come to find out... he had told no one. And it was my fault that they had found out and I had caused him drama. I felt bad about it. I didn't stop to ask myself at the time why he had not told anyone. It is curious to look back on now. 

Then we went to the in-laws. This was the Thursday before we were to leave. We were going to leave on Saturday. My husband had said that he told his father that we'd be leaving. Well, when we arrived and told his mom... she was not aware. And that's when all hell broke loose. We went to eat out. His mom crying and carrying on in a public place. I tried to reason with her and say that we both felt it was beneficial and I spoke to her in her language. She is very insistent on being positive and energy vibes in the universe vibrating at certain frequencies. Well, she is much better at preaching than practicing. She let me know very quickly that she had every right to be upset and she could do pretty much as she pleased... Though I might add, if I or anyone else had been upset like that at the moment she would have gotten on all philosophical and telling them how they should be responding and why. And probably trying to get them to consider looking into getting just one more vagina egg. 

On the way home, my husband said that he needed to get away from his parents because he had an unhealthy relationship with them. He was quite outspoken about his need to leave and his excitement about our journey. Little did I know, how very... VERY.... quickly that would all change.  

The next morning... the DAY before we were to depart for Utah, I began making final preparations. We hadn't really packed much... but we really weren't going to take much until we found a place. We still needed to find our animals a caretaker while we were gone until we could return to fetch them. I went to Korbin's school and unenrolled him. I went to Brownwood and said goodby to all my friends from work. I was ready. I was as excited as any girl could be. Yay!! I was finally getting to move. I was finally getting something for me. I needed it. I needed something for me. I had sacrificed so much of who I was and what I envisioned my marriage to be. I had very little to give. I was drained and ready for a fresh new beginning. This was it! We were going to make it!!

Meanwhile the hubs had gone to town to have lunch with his mother and then go see his counselor. 

That's when my hubs stopped answering his texts... and his phone calls.... I had a funny feeling that something was terribly wrong. And it was.... but how wrong I had not prepared myself for.